dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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