I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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