Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
