you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
