I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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