After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
