oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
