im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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