i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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