there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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