So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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