Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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