he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
