i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
