best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
