The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
