I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
