I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
