Where is the hickey?
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
