onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
