HIV tests are more positive than that guy
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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