You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
