Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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