I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
