FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
