Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
