Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
