I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
