omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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