I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
