Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
this just has baby written all over it
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
