Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
