Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
