waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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