She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
