my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
