How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
