at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
