Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
