Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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