Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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