Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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