woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
