So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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