I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
