I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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