i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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