I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
