k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
my being single is dangerous.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
