He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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