I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
