I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
