Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
