oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
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