Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You pole danced in your parka.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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