Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
