When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Randomize
