you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
