while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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