i just sent this text using only my big toe
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
