I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
