A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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