HIV tests are more positive than that guy
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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